The Shadow Self: Reconnecting With the Hidden Parts of You

“Until you make the unconscious, conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it fate”

– Carl Jung

We all have parts of ourselves we fear, avoid, or deny. The parts that feel messy, embarrassing, or too much. Maybe it’s the part that aches for attention and love, or the one that fantasises about quitting their job and pursuing their true passion.

These parts become our ‘Shadow Self’; the aspects of ourself we push out of our awareness because they feel unsafe, shameful, or socially unacceptable.

But here's the paradox: the more we push away these parts, the more power they have over us.

What Is the Shadow?

Our shadow includes the qualities, emotions, behaviours, or desires we learned were “bad,” “wrong,” or “unlovable”.

In childhood these parts were often not welcome or not safe to express, so, our conscious persona: our awareness of others around us and the desire to appear a certain way in order to be accepted, led to us rejecting them.

 “The shadow self is the sum of all personal and psychic elements which, because of their incompatibility with the chosen conscious attitude, are denied expression in life.” – Carl Jung

How the Shadow is Formed

As children, we quickly learn what is “acceptable” and what is not.

Maybe you learned that showing anger got you punished, so your system decided emotions weren't safe and you never expressed yourself.

Maybe needing attention made you feel like a burden, so your system buried your needs, and you became fiercely independent.

Maybe being silly or loud made people uncomfortable, so your playfulness was silenced, and you became mature.

We show what’s rewarded. We hide what’s rejected.

This fragmentation of our true self, creates a continuous battle of trying to fit in, be socially accepted, and live a life that consists only of the “good” and avoids the “bad”. And the more we suppress these parts of us, the more we live as inauthentic versions of ourselves.

“What you resists, persists”, Signs Your Shadow is Running the Show

The parts that are in our shadow don’t disappear. They influence our thoughts, behaviours, and relationships, and often operate just beneath the surface.

They might show up as:

• Procrastination, making excuses, self-sabotage or feeling stuck

• Difficulty with money, motivation, or follow-through

• Addictions like emotional numbing, or overworking

• Controlling behaviour, blaming others, or constant dissatisfaction

• Avoidance of intimacy, running from relationships, or fearing closeness

• Repeating relationship dynamics that leave you feeling unseen

• Saying, “I don’t know why I did that” or “That’s not like me”

• Strong emotional reactions, especially judgment, envy, jealousy, greed or anger.

These habits and patterns will continue to keep showing up until we recognise, connect, and bring these parts of our shadow into the light.

Why We Avoid the Shadow (and Why That Makes Sense)

We push away these parts because at some point, it made sense to do so.

When a child is met with shame, rejection, or punishment, the nervous system internalises this experience and learns...

“This part of me is unlovable” “I am bad” “I am too much” “It’s not safe for me to express this part of me”

So, as a survival instinct we push those parts down into our shadow, and avoid them at all costs, to protect our connection in relationships, our sense of safety, and even our own identity.

In Internal Family Systems (IFS), we call the vulnerable parts that carry our pain exiles — exiles make up the core of our shadow self. And the parts that work hard to manage or avoid this pain are known as protectors. Protective parts will continuously work to keep exiles out of our conscious awareness, often showing up as the patterns and behaviours mentioned above.

This is why we sometimes find ourselves stuck in cycles we know aren’t helpful, but can’t seem to stop.

Have you ever done something you knew wasn’t going to be helpful…but you did it anyways?

That’s a protector part doing what it knows best: keeping you away from pain — by keeping parts of your shadow hidden.

The Hidden Pleasure in Staying Stuck

It may sound provocative, but there is a part of our shadow that finds comfort and a sense of safety in keeping certain parts of us hidden in the shadow.

This is often why we keep repeating the same patterns — because to this part, staying stuck in the familiarity of stress, overwhelm or anxiety, feels safer than risking what might happen if those "bad" parts were truly seen or felt.

And this makes sense!

Our nervous system is wired for survival, it prioritises safety, comfort and familiarity over the unknown, which it deems as “unsafe”.

As Caroline Elliot outlines in her book ‘Existential Kink’, there is a part of us, that is unconsciously deriving comfort, pleasure, and benefit from us continuing to stay stuck and play it small…and so it unconsciously hates and fears the good things that we say we want.

That is why sometimes we unconsciously resist what we say we want (success, love, abundance.. etc), because a part of us still associates having those things with fear, risk, rejection, or shame.

The Golden Shadow: The Light You’ve Pushed Away

 Not everything in the shadow is dark.

Sometimes, what we exile are “good” qualities.

This is called the golden shadow: the talents, desires, or strengths you’ve disowned because they didn’t fit in with who you were told to be.

You might push away your creativity because you were told it wasn’t practical.

You might hide your leadership because you were labelled “bossy”.

You might feel uncomfortable with your own confidence, sensuality, or joy, because you were called “arrogant” and so it became safer to play small.

One way to find your golden shadow is to ask: “Who do I admire or envy? And why?”

Often, the things that you are drawn to in other people, is something your system has hidden within yourself.

Integrating the Shadow with IFS: Curiosity Over Judgment

In IFS, we don’t force these parts into the light. We get curious about them - especially the protectors!

We can ask:

• What is something that I really want, but may be afraid to have?

• What is this part of me afraid would happen if I did have it?

• What is it trying to protect me from?

• Can I remember when this part first showed up?

And in doing this, you may begin to realise…

You want peace – but your anger is protecting your boundaries.

You want love – but your avoidance is keeping you safe from vulnerability and rejection.

You want to express yourself – but your numbness is guarding you from emotional overwhelm.

By turning toward these parts with compassion, they begin to soften. And slowly, our shadow self is brought into the light, and becomes the parts of us who need the most love and care, not something to be feared.

What Integration Looks Like

Some ways we can begin to integrate out shadow is bringing awareness to when we are behaving on instinct, impulse or survival. This could look like: 

• Letting your anger have a voice and speak its truth without it taking control over your actions or exploding.

• Acknowledging your need for closeness, even when you feel convinced it’s “too much” or “needy.”

• Giving yourself permission to experience joy, creativity, or confidence, even if a part of you feels unworthy or awkward doing so.

• Tracking where you’re acting from fear or habit and pausing to ask if you are trying to protect yourself from something.

  
  

To integrate our shadow parts, we need to hold their complexities with compassion:

“Yes, this part of me does exist, and I welcome it in. It is worthy of belonging, of being seen and heard”

Your shadow is not a problem. It is a doorway to authenticity.

When we welcome the parts of ourselves, we once rejected, we don’t just feel more whole, we begin to live more authentically and unapologetically as our True Self.

If this resonates with you and you’re curious to exploring your shadow self, let's connect!

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